Saga

Last night I stood in my dining room with his hands cupped around my face. My newly painted fingernails and toenails from the pedicure/manicure he provided for me were glimmering in the light. The dining room wall that he painted were in the corner of my eye. My heart flowed over with warmth as he reached in his pocket and handed me $100 to go buy myself the skin care products from the mall. I hugged him and wondered why I had been so hard on him and tried to remember why I was even taking until January 15th to make a decision. Tried to remember why I was even having doubts. Because at that moment, the Zales ring glistening over in the corner on my kitchen counter, everything seemed perfect.

But wait.

Rewind to earlier in the Christmas Holiday Break. I picked up his phone to snoop......



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Intentions

1. Don't be the first to say what I think when others are talking. Listen more.

2. Be my own friend. Start saying good things to myself. Put that nagging voice in my head in a timeout corner for the entire year.

3. Make a difference in someone else's life by random acts of kindness.

4. Whip my body into shape, Size 10.

Breathing in the moments

Last night I learned about paying attention to Love Languages for each of the kids. I am going to keep my eye out for a copy of that book since the name of that book keeps getting called to my attention. Anyway, we talked about giving love to the kids instead of always disciplining all the time.

I tucked in Abbie last night like normal. But I took the extra few minutes to actually crawl in bed with her and put my hands up to my eyes in a circle (like binoculars) and say "deet deet" to her. She said "deet deet" back. And we did it several more times. It made my heart sing with joy and gladness. Of course, the other two kids wanted me to do the same for them before bed as well.

Also, on the way home last night, we were listening to Christmas songs on the radio. Ashlyn started singing and dancing to The Jingle Bell Rock, and I kept having to turn my head away from the road to absorb and breathe in the moment. She was just so animated and cute! I think I take these moments for granted alot of times. And I want to breathe in the moments more often. I know they pass quickly.

No longer 17, and no longer blaming myself

I've been clipping along in my life. Lots of good things have been happening. For one thing, I've had a lot more peace in my heart. A general, overall, feeling of well being. A feeling that everything is not only going to be all right, but that it already is all right. A new found wisdom in my own heart and soul is what I am referring to. A feeling of forgiveness for myself.

What a FREEING feeling.

To no longer feel condemned by my own self is wonderful. To have a new found compassion for the 17 year old girl who made "mistakes". That seventeen year old was me. Now I clearly see that had I had more information at that time in my life, had I owned the "tools" I know have to operate my life with, I would have made different choices. But I did not have those tools. Just as no one who is 17 has the wisdom that life teaches over time.

So, today I feel okay with things. And I try to see the positive.